by Lynn Walker
Sometimes when I ask scholars how they are doing, I hear back, “Things are going pretty well. I’m doing fine.” I find out later that they had to commute two hours to campus for the first month of school, because housing didn’t come through or that they are nearly failing a class or two. I have been thinking about how to get past the, “I’m fine” response. Here are several strategies that can open up a dialogue.
Ask thoughtful, open-ended questions instead of closed questions to get the conversation started:
- How is life in X city different from life in Berkeley? How are the people the same/different?
- What does your favorite professor do to interest you in the subject?
- What has been the biggest challenge about school this semester?
- Can you tell me something about your closest friend? What do you appreciate about them?
- What has been the hardest part of your semester so far?
- How have you challenged yourself?
Share a struggle you, a friend, or your child had during their college experience.
Many of our scholars and people, in general, don’t like opening up about their struggles. They want to present a positive, confident image to the world. When they face a challenge, they may want to overcome it and be in a good place before they tell anyone. Many students experience depression and other mental health issues when exposed to the pressures and stress of college. If their problems go unaddressed, they usually get worse. By sharing your own struggles and letting your guard down, students may be more willing to do the same.
Avoid Giving Too Much Advice
Have you ever complained to a friend and gotten annoyed when they immediately start rattling off solutions? Your scholar may complain to you about teachers, roommate troubles, and financial woes. It may be clear to you what your scholar should do, but giving advice can sometimes shut down the conversation. Wait for the student to ask for your advice. Otherwise, just listen and empathize. Ask the student what they think they should do.
Work on developing the relationship
If you don’t know you scholar well and haven’t spent much time with them, it is unlikely that they will share much with you over text. Take the time to go visit them (if they are local) or set a time to talk by skype or phone. Make sure to make plans with your scholar when they are home on break.
If you have made repeated efforts to connect with your scholar, but you feel you aren’t getting anywhere, let us know. Maybe we can help.
If you have strategies that are working for you or have a story/photo you would like to share about you and your mentee, please email lynn@berkfund.org, so we can share your successes.
